This is bullshiT,
what the fuck. I hate the fact that I can count on my fingers how many past boyfriends broke up with me just because of my mom. I SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO DO THAT. This is bullshIt. “Girlfriends are drama” ????????? are you serious. Are you fucking serious? Really? And how I found out is just more bullsHit. I don’t understand why you fucking people can’t be a fucking man about situations - might i add, situations where actual fucking feelings are involved - and talk things through. Yeah I might cry here and there but just fucking suck it up and talk through it. This is fucking bullShit. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, I even fucking dreamed it. Fuck. What else might be bulLshit you might ask? The fact that I was really starting to trust myself to be around someone again. I actually fucking allowed myself to fall like that fucking again. Shit man…I can’t do anything right. What the fuck, all this is complete buLlshit. Yeah you might be a nice guy that went through a lot, but holy shit. You apparently haven’t gone through enough if you think this is a good time to end everything. Shit; fuck; damn. And you think it’s a good thing to lead someone on while you’re in another fucking country? Holy shit. Holy fucking cow shit. I’m sitting here on the other side of the fucking globe, waking up thinking, “he’s sleeping right now..I wonder if he’s thinking about me half as much as I’m thinking of him”. I fucking feel guilty doing anything, just incase it might make him jealous in any way. I’m sitting here being on my best behavior ever and he’s over there thinking that bUllshit? Fuck.. I’m so stupid to actually think that you were any different from any of them. You’re such Bullshit. Telling me stupid shit so that I’ll think that you’re the one that was always the victim. But whatever. Fuck this. I need something in my system. So ready to get fucking hammered tonight.
going with it isn’t enough for me these days..I don’t know what it is. I used to be so good at it. But now, with everything I do to everything I say I think, “what if this happens, what if that happens.. what if what if what if” Actually fuck that. I don’t know what I’m rambling about tonight…just can’t fall asleep. At the end of each day, when I lay to rest, I often catching myself going over everything that’s wrong with him. I mean, I always end up justifying myself by saying something good afterwards, but the fact that I lay there thinking about what’s not perfect about him gets to me. why am i doing this to myself? why am i doing this to him? This isn’t fair. Every time someone say’s “boyfriend” my mind jumps to one person. and I’ve been doing this for over three years now. It’s time to let go. Three words…i just can’t. So even though you may never come across this to read it and understand exactly what I’m feeling, I’m just going to say sorry here. I’m sorry that I’m going to let you down. I’m sorry that every time you touch me like he did, I’m going to think of him. I’m sorry that I’m going to tell you things I once told him. I’m sorry my heart won’t be completely there for you. I’m sorry if you get hurt in the end. I’m sorry that I’m not the girl you probably thought I am.
On a happier note! Even though things are going slow..I like it. It’s a lot different from what I’m used to and I can’t complain. I’m so ready for a new experience and what not. Maybe not so ready for all the bumps, but we’ll see kekekkekkekekkekeke I think I can finally sleep now ~:) Good niight <3>
is so important. You believe something, and you stick to it. There’s no and’s or if’s or but’s. I strongly believe in love, but the past is so hard to let go. I know it’s more than wrong to compare every guy to the one that got away but it’s so hard. I believe that love will find it’s way back to me. Jesus christ this is so fucking mushy gushy. I don’t like to blog about this kind of stuff but oh well. I don’t feel like doing anything! I also strongly believe that loyalty is what makes a person reliable. Loyalty is such a big part of who I am.
On a side note: people are so jealous these days. Jeez, are you THAT insecure about yourself that you have to put such a short leash on your boyfriend? I’m amazed at the way people treat me just because they are not sure of themselves. Sure if you don’t like me the don’t like me. But don’t not like me because you think I’m going to steal your boyfriend. I’m going to set things straight. I AM NO HOMEWRECKING WHORE. I have no interest in your boyfriend and how I’m going to take him. So the world does NOT revolve around you, honey. I truly believe that messing with a relationship is bad karma. Yeah yeah i’m not supposed to believe in that.. but somethings are true. I just want people to understand that I do not lead on other people’s boyfriends and try to “steal/take” them from anyone. As I would never want anyone to wreck any relationship of mine, I would never do that to anyone else.>
this feeling. Gawd I feel like such a little bitch talking about my feelings and shit. But what do I do when I’m not sure if I want a relationship? I’m not even sure if I’m ready to be in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I want a boyfriend more than anything right now, but I don’t want to fall into the same pattern and have one just to have one. That’s just a waste of my time. I just want to have fun. But then again, I really like having someone to talk to everyday. Someone to tell me good night. Someone to tell me good morning. I really like having someone to worry about and take care of. I’m so scared of things going badly and ending up like they always do. I have to ask, but what’s wrong with me? I finally meet someone who isn’t like the others, and yet I still expect him to act just like they all did. Is this a bad thing? I need someone to talk to. Someone who knows the both of us. Someone who won’t judge..>
These are my absolute faves<3
that we could’ve been great together.>
The one that got away.. That always gets to me. Every time I say that, someone tells me, “you’re too young to have lost the one”. I honestly don’t think so. I can’t help but thinking what if we were still together? I know it’s not good for the soul to dwell so much on the past…but really what can I do? The mere thought of what could of been just haunts the shit out of me. I have nightmares of the reality that we are no more. I have nightmares that you’d one day forget me. I have nightmares that what we once had now means nothing to you. I also have dreams that we’ll meet again and continue as if nothing had changed. The one that got away was meant for men and the women they lost in their lives. But I can’t help but thinking that this has happened to me. Constant reminders eat me alive. I just can’t seem to let go. Can anyone help me? Can anyone wake me from this living nightmare and make me forget? I always dream of moving away closer to you, just so that I’d have a chance to one day run into you. Missing you is an understatement. Ever since you were no longer mine, the days that pass by are so meaningless. I feel as if my insides just froze up. One could say that I’m living like a zombie. Walking around aimlessly with no ambition. The only thing that’s keeping me alive is the thought of leaving this miserable place to be reunited with you again someday. Someday in the near future. I get constantly asked, “why do you live like this?” I don’t know.. You really think I want to live like this? Do you really think I like not enjoying the foods we once shared? Do you really think I like not enjoying the movies we once watched together? I don’t. And I’m not blaming anyone for this. It’s just..everything isn’t the same. The thought that I once did those things with such happiness with someone..I don’t think that could ever be replaced. Or even recreated.
Enough of this emo shit..I really am optimistic that I’m going to find that perfect someone one day. That perfect someone who’ll warm my heart again. That perfect someone who’ll fill the emptiness that I’ve been feeling for a while. Until then..>
Your favorite television program.
Oh my, favorite television program.. This is too hard. If I really were to write of all my favorites, this single blog post will be three pages long. So I’m just going to keep this short and say: “I have an insane obsession for television and moving pictures (*movies*).
TOO MANY.. I COULD TALK ABOUT TELEVISION FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.>
Talk about your piercings or tattoos, if you have any.
I have five piercings total (all on my ears) and one tattoo. To be specific: two on each of my ear lobes and my left tragus. I had my cartilage pierced a long time ago, but I took it out. I don’t remember why exactly, ha. I’ve had my bottom lobes pierced for the longest time I can remember. Then, I got my cartilage, and took it out. A few years later, I got my tragus pierced at a rather expensive place on Melrose. The store was amazing nonetheless. After that, my momma agreed that my ears looked funny/uneven. So she took me to get my second lobe piercing. *I’m calling it that cause I honestly have no clue what it’s actually called..* Can I say that, that one hurt like a BITCH?! It really did…… jeez. NOW, to the more exciting schtuff! I recently got my tattoo that I’ve been wanting forEVERR. I guess I’m not really good at explaining it because everyone I tell it to, they look like they don’t understand. &&When I finally get around to showing them, they’re all like “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH; okaaay”……. ha. ANYways, it’s my whole birthday in roman numerals. But not the blocky font, e.g. IV. It’s in a cursive font. *I’ll maybe put up a picture sometime in the future* A lot of my friends discouraged me from getting this done because it looked like I didn’t know my birthday. But it really does mean a lot more to me than just that. It’s the day GREATNESS was born. The day a woman is gonna change the world for the better. A date everyone is going to remember. I’m just kidding.. Sorta.. haha. But it really DOES mean a great deal to me. And it’s a great conversation starter. I’m in love with it. My next three are going to be dedicated to those dearest to my heart.
I HAVE FIVE PIERCINGS AND I’M DONE; NO MORE!, ONE TATTOO, AND THREE MORE TO GO!>